*=Grad night only spiel
+=used as a Grad night and regular spiel but a bit risqué
$=one of me own jokes (sniffs proudly)
--As the boat is loading
+Lets have all the ladies forward, thats right, all the ladies forwardforward ladies.forward, man I love forward ladies
*if you are entering through the front door, please watch your step. If you are entering through the rear, please use protection. Bob(CM loading guests) back there has lots of experience in rear entries so let him grab your seat.
---pulling away from the dock
*well, were off like a prom dress!
*lets make like a baby and head out!
*lets make like a hockey player and get the puck outta here!
*Over on the left ladies and gentlemen, the 500 pound pussy that will eat you! (turn to woman nearby) and you thought you had a big pussy!
--Statue of Ganesha the elephant goddess
$*hmm, looks like Ganesha is looking a little stoned tonight
+(shines light on elephant trying to climb out who has its back to us) looks like a full moon tonight!
+uh-oh, better duck folks, it looks like water! Looks like water! Looks like water! But its not! (say that last sentence out loud to yourself if you dont get it)
+(point out monkey with rifle) That guys about to have a mind blowing experience (this one was in my original script that was given at training but was later removed)
Ape with Crocodile
(there is a really off color one here but I cant remember it, hmmm, Ill get back to you)
$*now folks, most of you may be thinking that the lions killed that poor zebra but the truth is that the zebra recently sunk into a spiraling depression due to the fact that he is in captivity at the park. He eventually grew despondent and jumped off that cliff there. So really its nothing bad at all! Just suicide!
+(Call out to AAs) JUAN! Look out!! Juan!! (back to audience) I hate to say it but it looks like that rhino is about to get a hole in Juan.
*here we have our local football team. The guy on the bottom there was our tight end but it looks like hes going to be our wide receiver soon!
*with friends like that rhino there, who needs enemas?
*we are now entering a pool of hippopotami, everyone be real quiet! The natives say that the hippos are only dangerous when they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles..I dont know who bubbles is..but I think were safe
$+(not risqué but not SOP) Ladies and gentlemen Id like to do a performance art piece for you. (turn off all lights and begin humming theme to 2001 with shine light on hippos, when the timpani goes dun-dun dun-dun dun-dun, bounce back and forth between two hippos rushing boat, then finish with gun) Writing this one its hard to describe exactly what was going on, but it never failed to get a laugh.
My friend and I were written up for having a shootout in the hippo pool, I was in front and waited for him to come up behind me. He started yelling at me to move it up, getting angrier and angrier. I told my boat that this guy was just a jerk that didnt like me. Things escalated to the point where we both jump out on to the bow and start shooting each other. I hopped back in the boat and roared off while he played dead on the bow of his ship. Good times, good times
Manager: Alf, why did you shoot point your gun at xs boat and fire at him?
Me: Umm, I dont remember doing that.
Manager: Well, we hear a total of 11 shots and when you and x came back to the dock your guests are roaring and clapping and you have 5 used bullets in your chamber and he has 6 empties.
Me: Umm, can I get my union rep here?
Canoe Full of skulls
$+Heres something people come from miles around to seethe boy band NSync! (substitute with any annoying pop culture icons, I have used Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, cast of Beverly Hills 90201, Melrose Place, etc..)
$*here we get a behind the scenes look at Michael Jacksons new video!
*OH MY GOD, everyone duck!! Were being attacked by spearchuckers!!
$+everyone duck!! (make random swooshing sounds into mic, eventually, random becomes a beat that sounds like a rap song, take the mic and scratch it on the vinyl roof back and forth and it makes the record scratching noise PERFECTLY!) Everyone duck! Were out of luck, looks like those natives are more dangerous than the apes with the truck. Lets make like a rug and beat it, before these natives steal this womans baby and eat it! You might think I am lost and need a map, but this whole ride has led to this rap! So sit back, kick back, enjoy the ride, sir, in the back? I didnt mean your new bride!
Backside of water
+(Let the boat sit there for 15 seconds) Ok, I dont know about you guys, but I gotta go(shift and do the peepee dance) No I mean, I really have to go now!
+park the boat right before you hit the backside of water so that boats making the turn just before the 2 bull elephants can see you, turn on inside lights only, skipper crawls out to bow of boat and dangles off the side with one arm in water and one hand on gun. The rest of the passengers sprawl out over the boat hanging off the sides in various dead poses. As a boat comes around the corner, their skipper, who is in on the fun, points out the GHOST SHIP and tells them the legend of the ship that never came back. This is a great stunt to pull when you have about 5-10 people on the boat late at night that are fun. As amusing to the ghost ship people as it is to those that see the ghost ship.
*off to the left, the second largest snake in the jungle.if you want to see the largest, Im off at 6am (wink at nearest girl).
*Here we have Trader Sam, and just like any guy out in this jungle, hes just looking to get a little head (Trader Sam raises his shrunken head)