I'm not going to give a sermon here but....Remember when I told you about management problems earlier? yeah well the tragedy that occured on this attraction can be directly attributed to management policies. One of the first things you were taught was to NOT PUT THE BOWLINE ON IF THE SHIP IS COMING IN TOO FAST. Anyways, this attraction on a good day, was my favorite attraction ever.
This ride was great because the majority of people that ended up on it had no clue as to what the ride was about and it seems, usually did not speak English. There was the occasional group of people that would catch on to our hijinks and laugh the whole way. Adlibbing here was really great because you had to speak for most of the trip which was generally 25 minutes as opposed to 8 minutes for the Jungle Cruise. Also, with the Columbia there are parts of the ride where we see nothing new for up to 4 minutes at a time, perfect for interjecting drawn out stories. Below are some favorite gags and adlibs
captain: arrrrrrohhhhhh..aieeeeeeeeeesssssssss..teeeeeeeee.jaaaaaaayyyyyyy..zeeeeeeeeee.. (this was based on sounds that pirates make in movies, you know, arrrrrr, shiver me timbers, only the captain would make sounds that were extended letters of the alphabet.
---Around the world
Arrrggg, were going to be taking a little trip todaya trip around the world!! Well start off in England and pick up some tea, then its off to france for some lace, the sandwich islands are where we will pick up some food, past cape horn where we will get some horns and trumpets, India for some bows and arrows, China for some china, Hawaii for some Dole Pineapple, the fruit of kings is now the king of fruits(in ad man voice), arrrggghh, from there we go to san Francisco for some levis, around the tip of south America for some burritos and finally to the virgin islandsfor a couple of weeks. (there were a million other places to visit but I forget them all)
--Just call me Captain
Hawkeye (who is a bit dopey) calls the captain various names while the Captain(who is grumpy) grows more and more angry. Favorite names for capn:
Captain and Tenille
---Soggy shoes from soggy mountain
As we go by splash mountain, captain starts speaking about his recent trip on splash mountain and how wet he got there. He claims that his shoes are still wet, for the next few minutes, whenever he takes a step he makes wet squishy noises in a dead pan expression.
---The fort on tom sawyers island
Hawkeye: Captain look over there! Its a fort!
Capt: Im sorry hawkeye, what?
H: A fort!
C: you did what?
H A fort captain a fort!
C Hawkeye! You should be ashamedoh look off to the right hawkeye its a fort!
---Sloth impressions and rope play
Hawkeye: Captain, can I do my impression?
Capt: no hawkeye, later.
(this starts from the beginning of the trip with hawkeye asking every few minutes)
Hawkeye: now captain? Can I do my impression?
Capt: oh allright! Go ahead
Hawkeye: and now ladies and gentlemen, my impression of a Panamanian 3 toed sloth!
(climbs to the bell railing and hangs upside down from the rope that stretches to the mizzenmast, hanging there and letting his tongue hang)
The captain would often get mad at hawkeye and try chasing him, at one point hawkeye would climb off the side of the boat, detach a rope and swing across the side, believe it or not, this was before fantasmic and a lot more dangerous as we could have eaten it at any point. I had many rope burns from this little stunt. I always played hawkeye from various postions on the boat, climbing all over the rigging, yelling from below decks through the gratings, climbing onto the bowsprit. Very dangerous, very against the rules, and VERY DUMB as we were not attached to anything as we climbed the ropes and sails.
the captain would start telling the story of sea monsters and would invariably lead to the most feared of all, LOLA!!! We would use this one when a particular cast member was working the dock, he was tall and gangly and HATED guests speaking to him (which of course at Disneyland is absurd) so we would tell all the kids to keep their eyes peeled for lola, all gangly arms and looked like a woman but talked like a man. L-o-l-a, lola. When the kids got off the boat they would all ask him, are you lola? sending him into fits of rage at us. I hope he can forgive us for the torture we put him through that summer.
this was a really strange one I came up with to describe the genesis of the word scuttlebutt. It involved being at sea for months and months with the sun beating down, near death when all of a sudden in come these tiny blue creatures with white hats. They are carrying a giant barrel of water to save the sailors. All of a sudden a wicked wizard and his mangy cat show up and wreak havoc trying to stop the little blue men (and one woman) lots of adlibbing here, but it all leads up to: what you dont believe me? Take a look for yourselves! Go downstairs and find the barrel, I put a plaque on it in advance proving it! As people go downstairs to look, I tell them we named it the scuttlebutt because people that dont believe us scuttle their butts down their to take a look for themselves (the barrel really did have a plaque that said scuttlebutt on it).
---White pants and Red Underwear
We had a particular manager who was very overzealous about her job, but very unfair and inconsistent. Anyways, the costumes they gave us to wear were of course the cheapest thing Disney could get away with. The pants on the Columbia were white and very thin. When the canoe guys would splash us as we stood on the dock, it would on occasion make our underpants shine through in all their red-hearted glory. Well this particular manager took it upon herself to single me out and "fix this"
Manager: I'm going to need you to start wearing white underwear from now on.
Me: Umm, I don't have white underwear
Mgr well then you need to purchase some
Me is it part of my uniform?
Mgr no, I'm just telling you to buy somewhite briefs, your underwear is showing
Me well, I don't wear briefs I wear boxers and if its required then you should pay for it. The other option is to buy higher quality pants.....
Mgr I don't care what you do as long as I don't see your underwear anymore!
Me ok, I understand
Sooooo, the next day the whole crew boycotted and didn't wear any underwear at ALL. The canoe guys having heard this rumor, gave us a healthy wet down. The manager from the day before stormed down and told us to go back and put on whatever underwear we had. It was never mentioned again....but I think I did see her....checking me out.....*cackles insanely*